I met a different face of God ~ one that never leaves…
Even when I tried pushing Him away at times I feel I don’t deserve His love because of my sins, my mistakes and my stubbornness… God simply corrects me.
God loves me that He accepts me as I am. But He loves me so much, He doesn’t want to leave me as such.
He prunes me gently and with love. He teaches me the way I should go. All the while, He is just around and never leaves.
I’ve done this before. Testing people. Testing families and friends. Even though they feel they already know a lot about me… if they haven’t passed my test, I guess I place them in my outer circle.
What kind of test? It is the test of trust… of love. The test that when I do something stupid or crazy, make a mistake or you know.. simply be me… will they still accept me? Will they still be friends with me? Will they still remain? Ps. Family members have no choice. Hahaha!
In the past, many have failed and have left. I guess it came to a point that I am no longer surprised when the next person fails… when the next person leaves… Though there are still few who have passed my test, it didn’t change my disappointment that a lot have failed my test.
This test.. I didn’t realize that I made God go through this too. I tested Him. I tested His love for me.
When I pray, I don’t ask Him for any “signs” just to be sure of His answers to my prayers. But I guess the sign I needed from Him is if God would stay.
Would He leave me if I do anything bad? or do something selfish? or disobey Him out of my stubbornness? Despite our recent closeness and deeper friendship, I tested whether He would stay once He gets to know the real me. All of me. Not just me during my good days, but also me during my bad days.
In the past month, I had a major pruning experience ~ a test on my obedience.
Sad to say… I failed.
God made me realize how wrong it was even though to me, it was something so simple, not to merit that kind of admonishment. In my mind, I actually did what I thought was best and with good intentions.
Alas. Good intentions are not enough.
The lesson I got was ~ how can I be expected to follow the big rules, when I failed to obey the small rules. Likewise, how can God bless me with the big things if I cannot take care of the small things.
I asked God for help as I faced my ordeal.
One by one, angels in the form of friends and families surprised me with a call, a visit or a text message – offering a listening ear, some cheering up and even reminded me how good I am with what I do.
God even used one good friend to make me realize that all my strength, intelligence and awesomeness (yup, awesomeness! Haha!) from Him alone.
God became my cheerleader when he said:
“He is not afraid of receiving bad news; His faith is strong, and he trusts in the Lord.He is not worried or afraid; He is certain to see his enemies defeated. He gives generously to the needy, And his kindness need fails; He will be powerful and respected. The wicked see this and are angry; They glare in hate and disappear; Their hopes are gone forever.” Psalm 112:7-10
This ordeal is not yet done, but after overcoming the first big hump and feeling God is still by my side, napa-comment ako.. “in fairness.”
My friend asked me, “Wow, Joanne, ikaw pa napa-in fairness kay Lord ha.”
Later walking by myself, I asked myself why those words came tumbling out of me. Grabe na nga mga paramdam ni Lord ng pagmamahal nya sakin. Nagka-blog na nga ako para maalala ng makakalimutan kong puso ang pagmamahal niya. Tapos sasabihin ko pa kay Lord.. “in fairness.”
Boom. That’s when it sinked in. I was testing God. Others have left me when I became unlovable, when I chose to show my real me, my all of me (Hi pareng John Legend! Hehe!) Maybe God would leave me too, if He get to see my unlovable parts.
Well, God passed my test. In flying colors! With lots of happy tears and laughter when I realized He is still here. Even though I tried my best to push Him away. Haaaay… you know me so well, Lord. Kiligs! =)
Love that is tested becomes stronger than before.
Thank you, Lord for our growing love… for our stronger love. Pa-hug nga muna! Hihihi!
One of the best things I got out of my ordeal was to learn who are there for me when I am down, who would stay with me despite my unlovable moments, and how others would be so judgmental despite not understanding the situation.
Going home reminded me of my identity. Talking to papa reminded me of who I am ~ someone strong who will fight the right battles.
…So that when I put out work, it is all because of Him for His greater glory.
…So that when others fail, make a mistake or do work below my personal standard of excellence… I should remain understanding, forgiving and patient.
God taught me that …it is not up to me to teach people in authority. But I am expected to respond in the way that God taught me.
True humility is knowing you can, but you don’t need to tell that to the world.
True humility is knowing others can’t, but you choose to accept and help them understand.
I will do my part well, even though I see others do wrong. I will not allow them to affect my work. I will strive to show that my work is a reflection of God. And to those who choose to abuse their authority, I leave them to God.
“How terrible will be the Lord’s judgment on those rulers who destroy and scatter his people! This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says about the rulers who were supposed to take care of his people “You have not taken care of my people; you have scattered them and driven them away. Now I am going to punish you for the evil you have done.
The Lord says, “The time is coming when I will choose as king a righteous descendant of David. That king will rule wisely and do what is right and just throughout the land. When he is king, the people of Judah will be safe, and the people of Israel will live in peace. He will be called ‘The Lord our Salvation.'” Jeremiah 23:1-3, 5-6
The Lord is my best cheerleader when he told me: “Do not allow sadness to go into the soul for it does not allow the Holy Spirit to act freely.”
Thank you, Lord, my mighty King, my best cheerleader and my friend!!!
I am drenched by your overwhelming love that second I realized you’re still here for me. You never left me!!!!
I didn’t realize I was testing you to see if you will. And I am sooooo ecstatic that you stayed!
Thank you Lord for your love that stays. Hihihi!!
“You never left me
I just need to step outside who I am
And surrender to Your higher plan
I ought to put my faith and trust in You”
You Never Left Me, Hangad